U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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