Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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