In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
he's gonorrhea incarnate
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
