Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
