I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
