if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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