it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
