Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Randomize
