every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
