Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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