The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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