matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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