Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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