Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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