I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Randomize
