and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
