is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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