i think i have herpe
just one?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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