Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
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