I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
