I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
