I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
The cops high fived after they tackled you
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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