I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
