I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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