i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Randomize
