Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
