but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
