just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
