I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
