I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
