It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
