I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
