im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
