Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
