he told me I talked like a deaf person
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize