So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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