my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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