Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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