I just pynch a tree in the face
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
We need to rekindle our bromance
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Randomize
