Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
