God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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