Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
