Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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