I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
