if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
