I'm sorry my penis didn't work
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
We need a shit load of segways right now
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
