This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
