Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
