We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Sober January is a disaster.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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