after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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