It's chlamydia! Thank God!
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
3 2 1 whiskey
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
