she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
