Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
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