i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
