I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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