If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
