Ambien. No doubt about it.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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