Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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