oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
