You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
