I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize