My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
